Giving Space…Yourself and Others
Reasoning as a Source for Guidance
The use of reasoning as a means for getting along in life is something I like very much. I mean developing the discipline to think things through sequentially makes a lot of sense to me. And sometimes I am up the walls, when people just don’t seem to use their brains.
What I mean by sequential thinking is that very often in life there are things that have to come first before you do something else. It is so obvious that you can’t pour the tea in your cup when you still have to take your cup out of the cupboard and put it on the table or counter. It is so obvious. But in other matters we sometimes seem to believe in woo-woo. As if things would ever manifest by themselves just because we already have wished them to be so.
When Emotions are High…
My partner and me were having disputes and discussions some days ago, and in the course of events I asked her to bring me that jug of water from the living room, please. “Yes“ she answered and when she did, she distracted herself from completing that task, went first on to do „quickly“ something else before then finishing that task, hurrying to bring me the jug, bumping into the door frame, hurting herself – all of which was unnecessary. And I was bitching to myself, that she would not have bumped into that door at all if only she simply completed that task straight forwardly. It was upsetting and hurtful at the same time to see this happening and seeing her bumping into the door frame.
And I then changed my attitude, because to expect from my partner to act reasonably was – at that point in time – just inappropriate. I had to admit to myself that reasoning may be a great tool, but before starting to act in a reasonable manner, we have to become able to access our reasoning. Me too. And it makes sense to me that we do not and maybe cannot access it all of the time. That key step, that transitioning moment, accessing some X-factor that enables us to start using our reasoning is something that I yet have to discover. Or maybe we can use it increasingly more often – like training or educating ourselves towards that?
What I reverted to, at the time of the event above was the only thing that I could imagine doing – i.e. expressing my love for her – as I do love her. But… (and the motorboat went on and on in my head: but but but but but but but but .…)
In Communication with Our Reason
I really like this sentence where Frederick Matthias Alexander defines what makes it special to being human. In the human realm “… its members are in communication with their reason“. I love this wording – to be in communication with – and it is not the other person first – but we, I as much as anybody else, need to communicate with our faculty of reasoning first, before interacting with others; and more generally speaking before interacting with the outside world. This rings true for me and it hurts me when I see that reasoning is not the primary source of guidance. It does not seem to be the prevailing one.
… and Space
We all need to find the time and the space to make that switch in order to become able to start reasoning. Somehow it is sad for me to admit this, but at the same time it is a good thing because it forces me to act with more humility and kindness towards my partner and towards others in general.
There is another side remark of F. M. Alexander in his chapter «Incorrect Conception» in his second book where he states, that “it is absurd to try to teach a person who is in a more or less agitated or even anxious condition. We must have that calm condition which is characteristic of a person whose reasoning processes are operative.“ For a moment let’s not get hung up on the fact that the situation I described was not in a teaching context, though Alexander refers in his statement to such a context. But even Alexander says half a page before that statement that he himself may make shipwreck against this kind of rock when encountering it in a teaching context.
How Do You Handle Situations like these?
I believe this is not a problem that only I experience, but we all are confronting this issue from time to time, every now and again and I am genuinely interested how you handle these moments. What “techniques” do you use to find a “calm condition”? I guess you all do have similar experiences. What solutions have you found? I’ld love to hear from you, how you deal with this question and how you act in a similar situations. Share your ideas here! Comments will be moderated in person.
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